beamends wrote: 

 beamends wrote: 

A Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a pub. "Is this a joke?" asks the Landlord.

 ScottFromWyoming wrote: 
I believe Mr. Cleese skewered just about everyone more or less equally.

 OlderThanDirt wrote: 
Brutal.

Subject: John Cleese > ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

 In response to the Department of Homeland Security's recent
 announcements about dropping the color coded threat alerts,
John Cleese had this to say:

 The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
 threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
 to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
 "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

 The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
 tea supplies nearly ran out.

 Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
 Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
 warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
 get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
 reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
 the last 300 years.

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
 terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
 France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
 a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
 paralyzing the country's military capability.

 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
 to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
 "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
 Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
 have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
 threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
 deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
 Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
 to "She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
 "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and
 "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
 of the final escalation level.
 John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't withstand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

(yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk)

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
         
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. 

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?" 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. 

"But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
 

OVSMSSCA

OV Stole My Social Security Check Again 

One more:
CDAN: Can Drive at Night

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Text Codes). If you qualify for Senior Discounts use codes below:
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend. "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads; I have no work, a wife and six kids to support. "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him. "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?" Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico

 geoff_morphini wrote: 

At that time of night? Rarely.

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of what he had just witnessed.

The little boy said, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "It really works."

"Not a chance," says she. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"No problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" he asked.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"I don't understand," said the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

 hobiejoe wrote: 
Do you ever do your show in english?

 Manbird wrote: 
Wow. Just wow.

 hobiejoe wrote: 
    

I used to have a job as a stand-up comedian. My best gig was for an audience of Aussie backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats the whole show.