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The Obituary Page - oldviolin - Oct 20, 2021 - 1:00am
 
Anti-War - haresfur - Oct 19, 2021 - 10:26pm
 
Best.Idea.Ever. - ScottFromWyoming - Oct 19, 2021 - 10:11pm
 
Solar / Wind / Geothermal / Efficiency Energy - islander - Oct 19, 2021 - 10:00pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - oldviolin - Oct 19, 2021 - 7:57pm
 
Republican Party - Red_Dragon - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:23pm
 
COVID-19 - Red_Dragon - Oct 19, 2021 - 5:50pm
 
Trump - Steely_D - Oct 19, 2021 - 4:51pm
 
Nuclear power - saviour or scourge? - miamizsun - Oct 19, 2021 - 2:22pm
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Oct 19, 2021 - 12:33pm
 
Things You Thought Today - oldviolin - Oct 19, 2021 - 12:29pm
 
China - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 11:50am
 
2020 Elections - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 11:30am
 
More reggae, less Marley please - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 10:43am
 
songs that ROCK! - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 9:52am
 
Counting with Pictures - Proclivities - Oct 19, 2021 - 9:48am
 
Country Up The Bumpkin - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 8:50am
 
What is the meaning of this? - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 8:41am
 
Oh GOD, they're GAY! - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 8:16am
 
That's good advice - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 8:14am
 
Waste Time At Work - miamizsun - Oct 19, 2021 - 8:06am
 
Name My Band - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 7:26am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - islander - Oct 19, 2021 - 7:05am
 
Evolution! - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:59am
 
Poetry - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:28am
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - GeneP59 - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:25am
 
Baseball, anyone? - GeneP59 - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:12am
 
Radio Paradise NFL Pick'em Group - GeneP59 - Oct 19, 2021 - 6:05am
 
The War On You - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 4:57am
 
- PUNS - POLICE - Ohmsen - Oct 19, 2021 - 4:47am
 
Automotive Lust - haresfur - Oct 18, 2021 - 9:58pm
 
Philly - oldviolin - Oct 18, 2021 - 5:50pm
 
Lyrics that strike a chord today... - Lazy8 - Oct 18, 2021 - 5:10pm
 
Mixtape Culture Club - miamizsun - Oct 18, 2021 - 6:18am
 
Today in History - Red_Dragon - Oct 18, 2021 - 5:28am
 
RightWingNutZ - R_P - Oct 17, 2021 - 4:22pm
 
What did you have for dinner? - Ohmsen - Oct 17, 2021 - 3:56pm
 
Dreams - Tales from your sleep - Ohmsen - Oct 17, 2021 - 2:51pm
 
If not RP, what are you listening to right now? - Ohmsen - Oct 17, 2021 - 1:52pm
 
Share a Website you love or hate… - Steely_D - Oct 17, 2021 - 1:50pm
 
Outstanding Covers - Ohmsen - Oct 17, 2021 - 1:46pm
 
World Music - Ohmsen - Oct 17, 2021 - 1:38pm
 
And the good news is.... - Steely_D - Oct 17, 2021 - 9:50am
 
Bitcoin - westslope - Oct 17, 2021 - 9:17am
 
What are you afraid of? - Antigone - Oct 17, 2021 - 8:18am
 
More of Editors - TheKing2 - Oct 17, 2021 - 8:00am
 
Have you planned your Halloween costume yet?? - miamizsun - Oct 17, 2021 - 6:32am
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Oct 16, 2021 - 7:52pm
 
True Confessions - Red_Dragon - Oct 16, 2021 - 4:49pm
 
Gotta Get Your Drink On - haresfur - Oct 16, 2021 - 3:54pm
 
Live Music - R_P - Oct 16, 2021 - 3:10pm
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - Red_Dragon - Oct 16, 2021 - 1:28pm
 
Oregon - politics - westslope - Oct 16, 2021 - 9:24am
 
How To Be Politically Correct, A Primer - miamizsun - Oct 16, 2021 - 7:49am
 
Regarding dogs - Antigone - Oct 16, 2021 - 5:20am
 
Great Old Songs You Rarely Hear Anymore - KurtfromLaQuinta - Oct 15, 2021 - 8:26pm
 
Apps turning itself on at night!night! - jarro - Oct 15, 2021 - 6:16pm
 
Joe Biden - R_P - Oct 15, 2021 - 4:32pm
 
What Did You See Today? - Antigone - Oct 15, 2021 - 3:37pm
 
Britain - davidrsim - Oct 15, 2021 - 12:12pm
 
Lyrics That Remind You of Someone - oldviolin - Oct 15, 2021 - 12:09pm
 
Get the Quote - primm - Oct 15, 2021 - 11:48am
 
Democratic Party - westslope - Oct 15, 2021 - 8:03am
 
Rolling Stones - sirdroseph - Oct 15, 2021 - 3:18am
 
BillyGee's Greatest Segues - ScottN - Oct 14, 2021 - 8:31pm
 
Taxes, Taxes, Taxes (and Taxes) - islander - Oct 14, 2021 - 4:17pm
 
Derplahoma! - Red_Dragon - Oct 14, 2021 - 1:59pm
 
Health Care - Red_Dragon - Oct 14, 2021 - 9:03am
 
Strange signs, marquees, billboards, etc. - Ohmsen - Oct 14, 2021 - 8:03am
 
NORGE (Norway) - Ohmsen - Oct 14, 2021 - 6:39am
 
Economix - Ohmsen - Oct 14, 2021 - 6:12am
 
Unresearched Conspiracy Theories - Ohmsen - Oct 14, 2021 - 6:01am
 
Unquiet Minds - Mental Health Forum - miamizsun - Oct 14, 2021 - 4:45am
 
Terrorist Watch! - Red_Dragon - Oct 14, 2021 - 4:37am
 
Africa!! - sirdroseph - Oct 14, 2021 - 4:30am
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Goot one
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Boot one
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Dec 24, 2017 - 10:37am

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.


kcar

kcar Avatar



Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:03pm

 Steely_D wrote:

You HOPE that's how it happened.

 

{#Eyes}{#Stop}{#Roflol}
I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing! 



Sergeant Shultz from "Hogan's Heroes", looking bug-eyed


Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?


Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:29pm

 kcar wrote:


{#Roflol}
Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 

 
You HOPE that's how it happened.
kcar

kcar Avatar



Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 3:31pm

 SeriousLee wrote:
I was in the public restroom 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: 
"Hi, how are you?" 
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 
Stall: "So what are you up to?" 
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 
Stall: "Can I come over?" 
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

 

{#Roflol}


Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:33am

The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
miamizsun

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3261.3 Miles SE of RP)
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:59am


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jul 28, 2017 - 2:37pm

George and Ethel met for the first time at the Seniors complex. It was love at first sight. They were both over 90 years old when they tied the knot. They had a 1-night honeymoon at the local motel. Ethel, well it had been a long time since she spent a night with a man and all her girl friends at the seniors complex couldn't wait to hear from her when she came back from her honeymoon. "So, Ethel, what happened", they asked the day after. "Well," Ethel said, "I was waiting in bed for him. Then he came near the bed. He took his shirt off and threw it on the chair. He took his pants off and threw them on the chair. He took his toupee off and threw it on the chair. He took his glasses off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his hearing aids off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his dentures off and put them on the table by the chair. He took one eye out and put it on the table by the chair. He took one arm off and put it on the chair. He took one hand off and put it on the chair. He took one leg off and put it on the  chair. He took one foot off and put it on the chair." "And? What happened after that?" "Well," Ethel said, "I spent the night on the chair since there was more of him there"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jul 8, 2017 - 11:05am

You must have heard of the nice Jewish boy who meets the girl he'd like to marry. He realises she has to run the gauntlet of his mother. He decides he will take two other girls home as well, to see if his mother will be able to choose the one he wants to marry.

He gets home. The three girls sit down on the sofa opposite his mother. After two minutes, she says to her son, 'It's the one on the left."

He says, 'Mother, that's amazing. It's incredible. How could you guess? How could you work out she is the one I want to marry?'

His mother shrugs and says , 'Already I don't like her.'


aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 12:39pm

 rmgman wrote:
3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train. 

 

 This sounds implausible. Most hunters are smart enough to distinguish the footprints trains leave behind from those left behind by animals.



rmgman

rmgman Avatar

Location: North of the Pinelands in NJ
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:36am

3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train. 
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:12am

I was in the public restroom 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: 
"Hi, how are you?" 
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 
Stall: "So what are you up to?" 
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 
Stall: "Can I come over?" 
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


rocksaltandnails

rocksaltandnails Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 3, 2016 - 7:41am

 Steely_D wrote:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"



 
A+
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:37pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:05pm

A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls. A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Skydog

Skydog Avatar



Posted: May 12, 2016 - 9:38am

a horse goes into a saloon and up to the bar, bartender asks, 'why the long face?'
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