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SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Sep 22, 2018 - 12:39pm
Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? A: Is it mine?

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:18am

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:13am

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male

Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am
"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."

oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male

Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

sdwright wrote:

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Goot one

oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male

Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

sdwright wrote:

Boot one

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator: "IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold... What the hell she talking about?

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Dec 24, 2017 - 10:37am
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim. The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns. Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

kcar

Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:03pm

Steely_D wrote:

You HOPE that's how it happened.

I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing!

Sergeant Shultz from "Hogan's Heroes", looking bug-eyed

Sergeant Shultz from "Hogan's Heroes", looking bug-eyed

Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?

Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male

Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:29pm
kcar wrote: Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. You HOPE that's how it happened.

kcar

Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 3:31pm

SeriousLee wrote:

I was in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently.

Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male

Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:33am

The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

miamizsun

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3261.3 Miles SE of RP)
Gender: Male

Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:59am

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Jul 28, 2017 - 2:37pm

George and Ethel met for the first time at the Seniors complex. It was love at first sight. They were both over 90 years old when they tied the knot. They had a 1-night honeymoon at the local motel. Ethel, well it had been a long time since she spent a night with a man and all her girl friends at the seniors complex couldn't wait to hear from her when she came back from her honeymoon. "So, Ethel, what happened", they asked the day after. "Well," Ethel said, "I was waiting in bed for him. Then he came near the bed. He took his shirt off and threw it on the chair. He took his pants off and threw them on the chair. He took his toupee off and threw it on the chair. He took his glasses off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his hearing aids off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his dentures off and put them on the table by the chair. He took one eye out and put it on the table by the chair. He took one arm off and put it on the chair. He took one hand off and put it on the chair. He took one leg off and put it on the chair. He took one foot off and put it on the chair." "And? What happened after that?" "Well," Ethel said, "I spent the night on the chair since there was more of him there"

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Jul 8, 2017 - 11:05am

You must have heard of the nice Jewish boy who meets the girl he'd like to marry. He realises she has to run the gauntlet of his mother. He decides he will take two other girls home as well, to see if his mother will be able to choose the one he wants to marry.

He gets home. The three girls sit down on the sofa opposite his mother. After two minutes, she says to her son, 'It's the one on the left."

He says, 'Mother, that's amazing. It's incredible. How could you guess? How could you work out she is the one I want to marry?'

His mother shrugs and says , 'Already I don't like her.'

aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male

Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 12:39pm

rmgman wrote:

3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train.

This sounds implausible. Most hunters are smart enough to distinguish the footprints trains leave behind from those left behind by animals.

rmgman

rmgman Avatar

Location: North of the Pinelands in NJ
Gender: Male

Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:36am
3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods. They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims: "Look, rabbit tracks!' The second one says: "They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!" The third one then says: "What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!" Then they all got hit by a train.

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:12am

rocksaltandnails

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Gender:

Posted: Oct 3, 2016 - 7:41am

Steely_D wrote:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"

A+

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