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Films you're excited about. - Red_Dragon - Nov 30, 2022 - 6:19pm
 
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Take Me To Your Leader - oldviolin - Nov 30, 2022 - 2:48pm
 
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Can I use my ratings to create a playlist? - eyke - Nov 29, 2022 - 6:22am
 
Things You Thought Today - NoEnzLefttoSplit - Nov 28, 2022 - 9:37pm
 
KUDOS for BillG - miamizsun - Nov 28, 2022 - 4:48pm
 
Those Lovable Policemen - R_P - Nov 28, 2022 - 3:24pm
 
Amazon Products (May Contain Spam) - Steely_D - Nov 28, 2022 - 9:11am
 
Is there any DOG news out there? - Bill_J - Nov 28, 2022 - 6:11am
 
How to submit songs for consideration? - KurtfromLaQuinta - Nov 27, 2022 - 9:20pm
 
Canada - Steely_D - Nov 27, 2022 - 6:33pm
 
Gotta Get Your Drink On - Red_Dragon - Nov 27, 2022 - 6:22pm
 
Just Wrong - Red_Dragon - Nov 27, 2022 - 2:59pm
 
New RP Website! (2022) - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 27, 2022 - 10:53am
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:37pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:05pm

A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls. A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Skydog

Skydog Avatar



Posted: May 12, 2016 - 9:38am

a horse goes into a saloon and up to the bar, bartender asks, 'why the long face?'
DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 6, 2016 - 1:16pm

It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
 
 
Then, one of the students from the back rows said:
"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?  She may be his wife!"

DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 6, 2016 - 1:13pm

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. 
In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." 
"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." 
"Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
 
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." 
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. 
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. 
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."  
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
 
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

bokey

bokey Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 12:35pm

 DaveInVA wrote:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 


 
Dave,Dave,Dave.They will listen,you just have to be nice when you're talking.
DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 12:30pm

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 

aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 7:38am

 BlueHeronDruid wrote:

Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.

 
No Fair! I've already pulled up a chair. Spill!
 
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: May 1, 2016 - 8:50pm

 BlueHeronDruid wrote:

Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.

 
Noted!
BlueHeronDruid

BlueHeronDruid Avatar

Location: planting flowers


Posted: May 1, 2016 - 8:32pm

 ScottFromWyoming wrote:

Still a spectacular piece of radio storytelling.

 
Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: May 1, 2016 - 7:25pm

 aflanigan wrote:

This hoary old chestnut reminded me of this:

 


 
Still a spectacular piece of radio storytelling.
aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: May 1, 2016 - 4:50pm

 DaveInVA wrote:
The little green snake
 

 

 
This hoary old chestnut reminded me of this:

 

DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 30, 2016 - 12:44pm

The little green snake
 

 A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. garter on board

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

 

Breathe here…

 

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.


DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 1, 2016 - 6:38am

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course, why we now can enjoy it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more han one of these religions and since people do not belong  to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is thatsince Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....

....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a

Divine Being—which explains why, last night, Teresa kept

shouting "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

 




skyguy

skyguy Avatar

Location: FOCO
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 16, 2016 - 4:21pm

Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he might be upset that I was late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we should go someplace to talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong, and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, and that it didn't have anything to to with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I can't explain why he didn't say he loved me, too. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing more to do with me. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with the silence all around and between us, I gave up and went to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His journal:
Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.




DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Nov 15, 2015 - 5:05pm

The Wet Finger
 

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself,

"I really need a new boat . "


skyguy

skyguy Avatar

Location: FOCO
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 28, 2015 - 1:14pm

 Red_Dragon wrote:
Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?

 
well it's not rocket science.
KurtfromLaQuinta

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 27, 2015 - 4:59pm

 Red_Dragon wrote:
Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?

 
Well that sounds very racist to me.
GetBakedTonight

GetBakedTonight Avatar

Location: Southern Sweden
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 26, 2015 - 8:10pm

One day while Groucho Marx, (who loathed pretension), was working in his garden, dressed in well-worn gardening attire, a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and attempted to persuade the "gardener" to come and work for her.

"How much does the lady of the house pay you?" she asked. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," Groucho replied, looking up. "The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her."
Red_Dragon

Red_Dragon Avatar



Posted: Oct 26, 2015 - 7:48pm

Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?
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