I dialed a number and got the following recording: 
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call. 
I am making some changes in my life. 
Please leave a message after the 
Beep. If I do not return your call, 
You are one of the changes.' 

With the advent of spring, hibernating animals will again become active. The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING to remind hikers and campers to be careful in areas where bears may be encountered. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray to ward off bears.

Campers and hikers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, including bear droppings, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

-George Carlin (I think)

 aflanigan wrote: 
okay, again eww.  but i did laugh.

You can say what you like about child molesters, but at least they drive slowly near schools and playgrounds.

 Proclivities wrote: 
Groan.........

 aflanigan wrote: 
There was a fire at the circus; the flames were in tents.

        

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, here is one:
 
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.  A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a 
son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.  Just 
then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
 
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the
small tree.  He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, 
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

 beamends wrote: 

There are reports that someone cut a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

The police are looking into it.

 beamends wrote: 
har har har

The Police came round list night and said our dog hand been chasing a child on a bicycle. I told them to stop being stupid, our dog can't ride a bike.

 justlistening wrote: 
  

 aflanigan wrote: 

Okay, if we're going there:

Why was 10 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9. 

What did the hungry clock do?

It went back four seconds.

A little boy and her mother were at church one day when the child announced, 'mommy, I have to go potty!"  The embarrassed mother took the child to the bathroom and informed him, "we don't use crude language like "potty" in church".

Well, what do I say when I have to go?

"Just tell me you have to whisper" said the mother.

Next week, with mom out of town the father took the boy to church.

Halfway through the service, he said,"Daddy, I have to whisper".

"OK, do it in my ear."

What do you call a diminutive fortune teller on the run from the authorities?

A small medium at large.

 Alexandra wrote: 
You're right!  It made me grin - and laugh.  Perhaps the one below will do the same:

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right at their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked it. "Oh, I liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants & all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a 25-cent coin, one team got it & then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
"Get  the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Like....Helloooooo?....It's only 25 cents!!!!"
(disclaimer: I don't believe women can't be football fans so please excuse the sterotype)

This is not uproariously funny...but it'll probably make you grin.

Once there was an old convent that needed all kinds of renovation work done. As soon as the funds came through from the diocese, the Reverend Mother hired a team of carpenters and construction workers for the job. About two days into the job, she noticed that many of the nuns—especially the younger ones, were blushing a lot and giggling behind their hands whenever she'd pass them in the corridor by the courtyard where the men were working.

Suspicious, she stuck her head out the window and discovered the reason for the blushing and giggling. The men were using the foulest, most raw language she had ever heard in her life—-and it was completely unacceptable. She immediately called for the foreman.

"Sir, I can't have your men out there cussing like sailors and using that kind of language around my impressionable young novices...that is simply unacceptable. I want you to talk to them and ask them to stop it at once!"

The foreman kicked the ground with his boot, hitched a thumb in his belt and shook his head. "Aw Sister, with all due respect, I can't do that. These men are hardened laborers that do a lot of rough work, day in and day out. They don't have to be gentlemen when they're on the job. Every once in a while, they're going to call a spade a spade—-you know what I mean?"

"But that's just it," the Reverend Mother replied, irritated. "They don't call it a spade. They call it a fucking shovel!!!"