Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"

There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.